What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
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Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
My Plans 2020
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS