Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
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Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know