What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
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Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Whisper out to librarians!
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.