Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Where did you come from, where did you go?

Where did you come from

Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.

New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?

Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?

*bird watching*

Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”

Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”

*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*

Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?

i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)

I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:

“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”

Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!

You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.

I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.

Jehovah’s fitness.

My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.

Because communication is key.

I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.

If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.

Life of an Editor:

I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”

It was “sheepishly,” folks.

For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”

‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.

Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.

Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..

Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering

#BatmanvSuperman

Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.

Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…

[shopping]

[wife being a real pain]

Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?

My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?

PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends

[War in Heaven]

Lucifer: You must choose a side.

Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?

4 a.m.

9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE

daddy: mine’s just starting

Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.

Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.

[high school reunion]

“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”

No that was Tyler.