What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
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If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Shower sex be like:
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Stonehinge
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF