@michel_lesann

What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?

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@CrisMtzgr

If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.

@ericsshadow

The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.

@Book_Krazy

My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized

@Brentweets

Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.

@KeetPotato

priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]

@Dawn_M_

[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.

@JPLFR80

Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.

Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM

@Hormonella

Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.