What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
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Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Goat cheese is for herders.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
You better watch out
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
no
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.