If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
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The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.