Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: so you were married twice before?

Me: yes

Date: any kids

Me: no they were both adults

I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.

FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.

It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.

boss: hi

me: *pretends to read an email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”

A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble

10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”

10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.

I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.

“did I catch you at a bad time?”

– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober

I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”

It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.

Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair

Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.

employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?

me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison

* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *

Crab : My eyes are up here.

HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure

GOOD COP: Tell us what you know

BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat

DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT

My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away

That’s motherhood summed up for you

If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear

saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone

robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?

Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender

I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.

Well three can play at that game.

“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife

[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]

PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”

Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on

I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.

My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck

My son kneed himself on the trampoline.

*black eye forming

Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.