Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.

The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.

She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face

“I’ve recently come into some money.”

*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*

Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc

This tree does a lot of weird exercises

sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack

Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.

Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse

not hearing back from people right away:

2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.

2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about

The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible

My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.

Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family

Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.

Me: I need sex, and I need it now…

Her: I understand. You want to be alone.

I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.

What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”

I beg your pardon?

Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over

Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it

11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.

Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.

11: Never mind.

@funTweeters I am at your service….

Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.

I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.

My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.

This sounds more like an accusation than a question.

Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”

JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA

“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week

HARRY POTTER: 🙁

DUMBLEDORE: 🙁

VOLDEMORT: : (