Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”

Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.

Took a good look at my finances.

I won’t make that mistake again.

Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.

Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!

Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.

my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.

“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”

I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.

My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.

Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.

-Kids

Mom, can you take us to the maul?

-teen bears, probably

My Body: we’re hungover

Me: but I didn’t drink anything

My Body: I don’t make the rules

Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch

Exec: oh boy here we go

Tim Burton: it’s a love story

Exec: go on

Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town

Exec: sounds pretty cute actually

Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands

Exec: there it is

Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.

Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.

[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.

What am I doing with the rest of my life?

I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…

ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.

No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.

A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”

Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too

I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)

at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back

*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery

getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys

It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔

Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad

I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.