What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
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M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
*Everyone yelling about politics at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: *taps wine glass* “Quick poll: who wants the last piece of pie before I eat it?”
Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
This meeting could have been a pajama party.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
[shakes fist at other fist]
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
become ungovernable
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.