What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
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The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
all the leaves are brown
and this guy is greg
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Mary: https://t.co/FBHSZQ2Ynu
— David W. Peters (@dvdpeters) December 15, 2024
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact
pain
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?