“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
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Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
🤣
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
☠️ ☠️
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.