“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
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Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*
*Sits down triumphantly*
*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder