What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
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Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
in the divorce i get custody of the little plate in the microwave
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —