What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
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Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Noted.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*