What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
You Might Also Like
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Mhm.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Somebody call the cops.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc