What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
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My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.