What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
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I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit