What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
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When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.