What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
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Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
My funeral better have a fkn merch table
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed