What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
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*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Encore…
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
There is wisdom there.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?