Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.

Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’

you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*

But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?

“Just dashing to the shops”

Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]

Man [grabs car keys]

ME *enters new password*

COMPUTER: Ok

M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?

C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind

“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”

God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.

i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’

If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.

My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.

Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?

GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!

GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.

Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”

[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen

I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.

One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to

I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.

Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…

Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?

“Not with the proper treatment.”

*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*

me: SHARK

lifeguard: omg where

me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name

*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*

me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE

[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]

“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.

Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL

Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.

HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.

Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.

Selfie attempt: come hither look

Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm