What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
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Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
gonna start parting my hair down the middle so i can write poetry better
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
I hate my earbuds.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.