Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think

when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud

I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door

The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.

1996: My loneliness is killin’ me

2020: That’s cute.

[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN

I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.

I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.

*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*

The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.

12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me

I have a great story to tell u.

“Why don’t u just go write a book”

Wow, that’s-

“Don’t u dare say it-”

a novel idea.

“I’m moving out”

Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.

Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes

Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.

Autocorrect just changed “have a prosperous 2025” to “have a preposterous 2025” and I feel that’s much more likely.

🤣

All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.

i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real

Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…

My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.

Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance

Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.

Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.

Little known fact:

Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.

if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310

*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*

Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.

Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.

*at lawyer’s office*

Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon

*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!