Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh

in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white

I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.

For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.

[in car]

7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd

*5 minutes later*

7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy

why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??

I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.

I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .

SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.

HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?

SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.

HK: Is…is that so?

*distant Wagner music*

Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?

Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.

I occasionally drink every single night.

POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.

ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY

15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.

It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning

the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”

Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.

“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”

“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat

When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring

My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.

Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.

What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*

[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?

Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)

Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?

Women drinking coffee.

My three favorite things.

A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities

She was rare…

… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.

Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.