What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
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When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal