What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
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wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.