Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u

Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit

Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.

My wife gives me the speaking treatment.

me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free

wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?

me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free

I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.

Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.

Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?

Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this

if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners

Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.

A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid

Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.

*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*

Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?

Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones

Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.

Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”

6:*writing thank you card* But, um..

Me: Write it!

I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide

Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long

Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?

Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!

God: *creates oceans*

Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL

God: Get out

My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”

Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.

Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.

After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.

On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.

Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”

STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”

ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”

SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”

ME: “It bends and everything.”

SM: “I’ve seen better.”

woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing

[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!

HER: NNNNNNNN

ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]

HER: ZZZZZZZZ

Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.