Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.

I’m really not seeing the down side here.

The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.

He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’

I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.

People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”

Them: This is a knife for cutting cake

Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake

Them:

Me: Oh

Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.

Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.

It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.

Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.

Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.

8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”

8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*

The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

A salesman knocked on my door today.

“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.

I said, “My next door neighbour.”

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

BOSS: Don’t just stand there.

ME: Bust a move?

BOSS: What?

ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.

God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?

Lion: yes.

God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?

Lion: no why?

[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]

God: I guess I’ll delete them then.

Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!

Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.

ME: my wife and i are having a baby!

FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?

ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…

Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.

handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.

Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.

I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.

I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”

Home Alone (1990)

A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives

No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.

The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.

The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.

I’m so sorry

Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.

Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens

Batman: You’re hired