Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love it

ME: where ya headed after Denver

PILOT: flying into Boulder

ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others

Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.

Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.

This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.

got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price

[at restaurant]

me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.

waiter: what can i get you?

me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh

Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.

ㅤ

I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.

[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]

ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol

DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to

ME: He’s murdered 7 people

This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.

Genie: you have three wishes.

Me: i want a million wishes.

Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!

Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive

Me: can I just text them

“HELP WITH CAT”

What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end

Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….

I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.

Wife: How is he?

Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water

Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?

Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead

[math class]

How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?

“By crawling to the counter?”

GET OUT

I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.

Me: my grandfather was George Washington

Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather

Me: i mean he was okay

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.

I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked

Not looking for a sugar daddy, but something more of a pay pal.

my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is