Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.

Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.

*regional mathematics tryouts*

Judge: what is 2+2?

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly

Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*

if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools

Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.

Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.

When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.

Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.

dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you

astronaut: space is a vacuum

dog: i’ll see you when you get back

E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band

my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.

I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.

[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No

I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

#HatDadJoke

@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.

Interviewer: what interests you about this job?

Me: the pay

Interviewer: can you be more specific?

Me: cash

Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.

Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…

You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story

I only say stupid things when I talk.

I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.

If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.

Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.

After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.

WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.

CHEF: Thank you.

ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai

Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon