“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
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[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.