“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
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I WON A HAM TODAY
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
My dog learned how to text
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
scared to check what name she chose
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my