What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
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Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too