me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
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[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.