What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
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It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.