What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
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My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”
workin bro its a thursday
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.