Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done

Me: thank you

Therapist: now you need to pay my bill

Me: no

CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.

ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?

CEO: [under breath] Genius

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.

How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.

This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen

The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.

Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.

Me: cute infant you have there

Mary: thanks

Me: so tender and mild

Mary: …w-what

This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.

Son: Teach me to fight

Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*

[later]

Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground

Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him

I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.

I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?

Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”

[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!

My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”

Going feral. Y’all need anything?

Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.

I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”

honestly, i need both:

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.

*fills out form*

*clicks “send me a copy”*

email: *dings*

me: ooh what’s that

I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours

Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.

I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.

If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me

Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.

Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.

How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?

Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.