Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
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For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.