What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
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Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
WTF IS THAT!
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose