@SteveSuckington

What she said: wanna share some nachos?

What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?

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@thatcarlygirl

Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”

@pilau

me: come back to my place?

her: sure

me: it’s not haunted

her: what

me: no ghosts

@ObscureGent

[1st date]

Him: Do you like magic?

Her: I LOVE MAGIC

Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]

Her: *Screams*

Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.

@bourgeoisalien

Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.

@brianbowman73

I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.

@EndhooS

[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]

@kevinseccia

I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.