“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
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Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.