“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
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It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.