What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
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The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Photobombing Giraffe 😅
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked