Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter

Theist: I can believe it

Agnostic: Just eat the toast

I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.

date: what do u do

me: well u know big bird

date: omg. u play him

me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him

I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.

As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack

If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??

Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right

The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu

When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.

[crane rental company]

Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this

Me: how was school?

My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.

magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

Meow

Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians

An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.

Me: What time are we leaving?

Wife: In 3 or 4 hours

Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car

Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.

Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.

Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.

*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend

it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind

customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing

me: oh *declines it* thank you

him : can you name the shapes?

me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-

him : no I didn’t mea-

me : …Harry the hexagon

him: will you just st-

me : Dave the dodecahedron

I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.

Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.

I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight

~ refills 32 oz tumbler

She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.

Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill

my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch