Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?

Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra

They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.

omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.

Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.

Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.

Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.

Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.

Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.

6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?

me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?

Me to me: I’m pretty garbage

Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrong

Someone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing

Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?

Me: Why would I want another empty glass?

[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on

So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”

Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*

4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.

[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?

Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.

[eye doctor’s office]

receptionist: do you have vision insurance

me: yup *hands over card*

receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate

me: but my eyes are in my body

receptionist:

me: and they’re unhealthy

I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right

[first Craigslist transaction]

Seller: so

Buyer: yeah

Seller: do…do I kill you ?

Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you

Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while

Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do

I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.

Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person

Friend: really?

Me: well apparently not

We don’t deserve birds.

Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol

Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here

Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.

*Reads your ransom note*

*Edits for grammar and punctuation*

Me: sobbing in the shower

Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet