Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day

One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.

Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*

[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please

rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days

barista: oh no

if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive

There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil

I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared

Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.

my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it

a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee

landlord: i’m raising your rent

me: am i getting more house

WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea

ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work

WIFE: Why

ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom

WIFE: so kill it

ME:[whispering] its got my gun

Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf

I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”

– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong

genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no

My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.

I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.

Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart

20’s: need to look cool when I go out

30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out

40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out

50’s: I don’t need to go out

I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste

Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.

“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”

*Door slams

– Jehova’s Witnesses

🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly

I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.

If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.