“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
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Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.