Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*

What’s your theory?

That money can buy happiness.

Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”

Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

Me: My Lord will protect me

Muggers: Haha, right-

Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS

Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon

“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA

Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.

*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*

just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait

it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries

My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.

not sure why we don’t use this thing more often

When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”

Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.

Damn what did I do next

Me: *skips*

My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE

skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury

My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.

I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:

“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”

The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.

“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times

Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.

Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.

I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.

gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializing

father reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early

Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?

Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD

if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him

jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job

Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough

😭😭😭😭