Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands

Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”

Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.

*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*

Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs

Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–

Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.

My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.

when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures

Air conditioners are just human refrigerators

*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*

Me: want a piece?

Her: wrong, whole.

I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.

Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.

me: hello 911

operator: actually you’ve reached 116

me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff

To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.

Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…

Be there, will be wild!

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”

It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”

Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?

Superman: Um obviously.

Batman: Think about that for a second.

If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost

If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.

4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.

6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.

If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.

The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.

That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.

I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.

Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.

Delete your tweet.

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far

Ladies, if he’s never gonna:

-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt you

He’s not your man, he’s tacos

Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.

The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism

*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*