What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
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Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
There are no pants in heaven.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
It kinda feels like this rn
When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”