What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
You Might Also Like
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…