What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
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Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.