What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
You Might Also Like
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever