What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
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*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.
Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.