Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.

Friend: pollen?

Me: hipsters.

His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.

-Oreo to milk

me: my new book is fantastic

friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?

me: you can’t color it in twice

To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*

“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”

*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings

[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds

I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.

Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake

I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.

If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.

Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.

Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.

Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.

ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted

I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer

Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?

Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate

ME: truth or dare

PRIEST: just take the communion

They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.

When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.

Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.

me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me

bartender: no

me: … excuse me?

bartender (taking my money): you want anything else

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.

Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave

Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”

Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”

Darth Vader: >:(

ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years

WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever

My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school