Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Find you a girl that can lay eggs.

Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.

BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?

ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?

BOSS: Sure. Busy day?

ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.

Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.

Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.

Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.

He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”

She: “Gnocchi dokey.”

#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes

Them: You’re hot.

Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.

Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?

ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*

hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield

[movie night]

5: what should we watch?

Me: anything you want

5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad

For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”

Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”

Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??

Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it

Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.

Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?

Her:

Me:

Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.

Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.

“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”

– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks

Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.

From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.

5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.

Me: Do they hurt your feet?

5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.

if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work

you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator

thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house

If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.

BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day

ME: Thanks boss!

BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon

ME: *tying hotdogs together*

Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?

Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!