Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet

Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.

Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒

“How much to go into this haunted house?”

“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”

“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”

[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?

The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”

You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time

9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself

I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.

The wife and I just got divorced.

We split the house………I got the outside.

Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice

Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.

the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.

He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.

I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.

HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!

HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.

[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.

*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”

“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”

– “We should call it AAAA!”

“You’re fired.”

Finally a use for spoilers…

Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks

Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.

I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.

hair coloring options for women:

out of a box = $12.99

going to a hair salon = $7,000

Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!

Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki

Me: That was fun! Fist me!

Him: What?!

Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*

Him: …..