Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.

God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?

Noah: yes

God: including the dinosaurs?

CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR

Noah: ….ya

I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.

Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.

Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.

pro: having a lovely time visiting canada

con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here

You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?

I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.

Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?

*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.

I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays

It will be called Side Chick.

DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡

My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.

I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.

He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.

Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.

I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.

i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)

*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.

me: do you have anything for dry skin?

pharmacist: aloe.

me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.

I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.

The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.

A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.

I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…

Me, flirting😏

Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?

Date: actually, I love graveyards

Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?

Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way

As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”

For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.