Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut

JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.

She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?

More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.

Pick one and get out of my face.

One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?

teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?

Edgar: *shrugs*

teacher: Poe, try

[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]

Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”

I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.

Therapist: Go to your happy place

Me: Ok

Therapist: Good, where are you?

Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins

Therapist: I’m sorry, what?

Me: The beach, I said the beach

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating

I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.

My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.

She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.

Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.

My grandma is fierce.

A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with

[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*

Gave myself a steam facial* today

*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face

I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.

Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.

“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*

Are we there yet?…

It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.

watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed

My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.

Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this

Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius

[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.

Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing

I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.

Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.