Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
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[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still