Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at bank]
*slides teller a note*

Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*

i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on

They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys

Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.

God: I need one more rib please

Adam: No

God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem

Adam: I said NO

God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only

respect

Hitlers gonna hitl

I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.

If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you

breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title

He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI

Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet

It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.

Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?

Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.

Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”

93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us

one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭

[at doctor’s office]

Nurse: You may get undressed now.

Me: [rips off tear away pants]

Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.

I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.

all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.

How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.

Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.

Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.

Paint me like one of your French girls….

With a big fat croissant in my mouth

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”

I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.