Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.

HER: What’re you most afraid of?

ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.

oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving

VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »

just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be

They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.

Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature

if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.

When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.

I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.

TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation

Dear predictive text,

I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.

Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time

Her: Have you seen my glue gun?

Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.

TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?

FLAT EARTHER: here we go again

The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I just need money.

Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.

I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.

life: do your best

me: (doing my best)

life: no a different best

I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.

Clock: oh shit, I am

Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast

“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.

Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.

Class: you want us to what

Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy

Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.

Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry

My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!