“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
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My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Ummm
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
I have no passwords left in me
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
happy valentine’s day to me
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*