WHAT SIGN IS SHE
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Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
I’ve got a mind like a computer. Not like as “in quick information processing,”…. but like as in goes to sleep after 5 min of inactivity.
gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday