Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.

What was the point in making your car louder, bro?

Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?

My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.

*Checks typos in the mail before sending*

*Checks again, to be sure*

*Clicks on Send*

*Goes to sent mails*

There’s a typo in the Subject

Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.

My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…

I don’t know what he said after that.😑

Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.

You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.

-puzzle pieces breaking up

wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what

Go hard or stay average

“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”

Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind

Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’

Me : Be there in 10 min

it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato

they are potato chips

COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone

TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.

I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.

Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.

Him: It’s a police report.

I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.

If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx

This made me chuckle cuz mood

I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot

If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.

Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.

[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!

Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating

How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?

Is it four? Please say it’s four.

i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.

Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?

Me: Uranium is OK I guess.

C:

M:

C:

M:

C: I like Metallica.

That’s not even on the periodic table

Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.

i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me