“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
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Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
found this cool rock hiking today
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Something Saturday.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
‘Just Do It (Yourself)’
NIKEA
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh