Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.

please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place

kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter

Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.

THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.

My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?

Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes

GUY: *cuts me off in traffic

ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon

Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.

I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point

Veteran Parent Tip:

Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house

me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]

Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.

Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”

SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot

ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge

If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.

I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol

My oldest chicken is going through henopause

a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes

Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.

[after divorce]

I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.

Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.

[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that

The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.

We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.

Chicken bread

If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…

1995: …leave it, toilets are gross

Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW

Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118

god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate

bob: karen!

god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi

me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that