“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
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Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
I needed a laugh this morning.
