“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
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2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design
Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.
when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.
how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed