What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
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When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.
A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..