What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
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The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
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Dog: ..
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Dog: ..
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Dog: ..
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Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.