What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
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Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Wife:
4 firefighters show up
Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple
Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?
Check mate
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.