What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
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“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
They say women only use 10% of their anger
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*