What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
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Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White clothes: lol same.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
