What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
You Might Also Like
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
🤣🤣🤣
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.