what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
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Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.