what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
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I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.