Don’t be that crazy person who collects cats. Collect something else instead like toenails.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
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KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
[on my deathbed]
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!