@Beatonm5

what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????

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@novicefather

Don’t be that crazy person who collects cats. Collect something else instead like toenails.

@Bexdora

KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!

@TheCatWhisprer

I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

@dubstep4dads

[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito

@JamColley

I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child

@katy_fit

Why I hate technology:

Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.

“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”

@ShortSleeveSuit

[in class]

Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!

Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean

@chuuew

[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!